Iso-Life Ice Cream
You know what’s fun about spending eleventy thousand days in isolation with your family? Yeah, nah, me neither, but if you think of aShe’s a been a long and bumpy few months friends, an experience confirmed a number of things for me, including:
Human are not designed for long term confinement. Neither are tits. After 8-10 weeks of free-boobing it’s going to be a pretty fucking hard ask to coax these girls back into daily imprisonment.
Despite any obnoxious statements I may have made to the contrary in the past, leggings are absolutely, definitely pants.
There is no such thing as ‘working from home’ when you also have kids at home. Or a husband for that matter. There is starting 47 different tasks, being interrupted 593 times and taking all day to write a three sentence email because you cannot get enough brain cells to work in unison amid all the aforementioned chaos.
I am definitely NOT cut out to be a teacher, of anyone or anything, particularly my own offspring.
I am 100% DONE with three children, this household will not be adding to the lock down baby boom. I love my blessed crotchfruit with ALL of my heart, but after approximately 70 days of 24/7 my cup well and truly runneth over with ‘quality time’. I’m now very happy to share their special moments (and their endless questions, demands, tantrums, fistfights) with their teachers, grandparents, friend’s parents, the milkman, man at the corner store, basically anyone who’ll have them for an hour or so.
Ice cream is a universal make-it-better solution to shitty situations.
This ice cream was actually born out of one of Zara’s home school lessons in which we were meant to be making butter from cream by shaking it in a jar. Now I’m gonna stop right there, because asking a six year old to shake a jar vigorously for 20-30 minutes is actually asking the supervising adult to shake it for 29-30 minutes after the kid has jiggled it half heartedly for 47 seconds and lost interest. Feels a little bit like a pass-ag attack by the teachers, no…?
Maybe I’m just not a devoted enough parent but I’d argue that don't nobody got time for that shit. Certainly not me. I mean, it’s 2020 not 19fucking20, who are we to reject the developments of science and technology? I don’t do the laundry by hand, and I’m sure as shit not gonna whip butter manually either.
So, I suggested we speed things up a bit with the use of some modern machinery and whack it in the blender instead. When we stopped to inspect progress and saw whipped cream we both had the same idea: fuck the butter, let’s make dessert! Well I mean Z didn’t say the fuck bit (although I have no doubt she will in time), but we agreed that a change to the curriculum would produce a far more desirable result.
And that confirms another truth: I am incapable of adhering to rules and instructions, but sometimes zigging while others zag will lead to a far more interesting (and delicious!) destination.
Get this stuff
Base Ice Cream
300 mls cream - I like to use heavy for extra delicious creamy indulgence but any cream will do
4 TBL maple syrup or your choice of runny/ sticky sweetener. I wouldn’t reccomend granulated sweeternb for this as it won’t dissolve your ice cream might end up gritty which kind of kills the whole creamy vibe.
60 grams (2 scoops) scoops ATP science Noway collagen protein (this is my choice but if you have another collagen you prefer go nutso). I use vanilla or chocolate depending on what flavour I want the end result to be.
1 tsp vanilla extract
Optional Extras
These are merely suggestions and by no means an exhaustive list, let your imagination and taste buds go loco!
2 TBL cocoa for extra chocolatey IC
crushed or chopped biscuits for cookies and cream
chocolate chips or chunks
chopped nuts
marshmallows
coconut flakes
fresh or frozen berries
caramel swirl
a few spoonfuls of peanut butter
chunks of leftover cake or brownie (not that there’s any such thing as ‘leftover’ in our house)
A shot of rum, brandy, or your choice of liqueur for an adults only version. Or a version that will make the kids sleep really well.
Other flavour essences you fancy, e.g. peppermint and orange are fucking spectacular with chocolate, although probably not together unless you like your flavours funky
Do this with it
Throw all the base ice cream ingredients into a blender and whiz until the cream is whipped and thiccccc ti stiff peak stage. A taste test here will generally also indicate it is whipped to stiff nip stage based lickable deliciousness.
Depending what extras you’re planning to use you can either add them into the blender if you want them to be fully incorporated, e.g. cocoa, booze or other essences. If you’re after a chunky treasure hunt style of ice cream with lots of good bits to forage then just stir the extra treats and tidbits in by hand.
Transfer to your choice of ice cream storage vessel and whack it in the freezer. If you’re really gagging for same day ice cream you’ll need to entertain yourself for about 4-6 hours until it’s reached ideal ice cream consistency. Opening the freezer every 14 minutes will not speed this process up, go and find something to constructive like a Netflix binge session or tiktok dance lesson to entertain yourself with while you wait.
I use insulated ice cream containers like this tub style one or these individual ones which prevent the ice cream from going solid and keep it soft and scoopable straight out of the freezer. The single serve ones also help somewhat with portion control for people like me who lack self control around frozen dessert treats. If you don’t have any of these nifty little guys don’t stress, you can just use an airtight plastic container instead. You may just need to give it few minutes on the bench top to soften sightly before you want to serve it, however I do find using the collagen stops the the ice cream reaching that annoying rock hard state that often happens with home made versions.
And that’s it friends. Four basic ingredients, less than four minutes work and you’re done! Delicious home made iso ice cream with a cheeky collagen boost that might just change your mind about store bought stuff forever!
