Storm Madness Apple & Zucchini Muffins



When it comes to weather Sydney is a fucking show off.  Proper hot and sweaty summer happens here. For months I've existed with a persistent coating of perspiration, I'd largely given up on good hair, dry pits and wearing any more than the absolute minimum amount of clothing required to avoid being arrested for public indecency. And then it changed - big time! It seems Sydney had some sort of point to prove about it's ability to put on a proper badarse storm, so just in case there was any doubt we've been treated to a pretty bloody spectacular meteorological shit show for the last few days, I believe the technical term is pissing down and blowing a gale. Frankly it's in-fucking-sane, and after being trapped inside so am I!

The kid and I don't really do hanging at home. At first it was a bit of a novelty but it quickly became clear we are not indoor people. By 8:30 am the lounge looked like some sort of toy cyclone had torn though leaving a trail of destruction. By 9am we both had our faces pressed against the window like puppies pining for a run. By 9:30 am little Z was chewing the furniture. Nope, not joking about that, wish I was, so in a fit of cabin fever I was driven to the kitchen to create something more appropriate for the little animal to sink her teeth into.

Behold, Storm Madness Muffs.  They taste like a bit of a treat but with hidden veggies, minimal sweetener and no gluten, grain, dairy or refined sugar they're actually disgustingly healthy. Great for breakfast or a snack, or as storm rations in case this bastard weather never fucks off!

Get this stuff

150 grams zucchini, finely grated (approx 1 large)

150 grams apple, finely grated (approx 1 large or 2 small)

3 eggs

1 C almond milk

1/4 C coconut oil, melted

1/4 C rice malt syrup, melted

2 T granulated stevia (or sub in additional rice malt syrup if preferred)

1/2 C almond meal

1/2 C coconut flour

1/2 C LSA

1/2 C buckwheat flour

1/4 C arrowroot/ tapioca powder

1 t baking powder

1 t baking sodapinch of pink salt

Optional extras:

Chopped dates, figs, raisins, or whatever other dried fruit floats your boat


Cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg or mixed spices you might fancy to liven up the party

Do this with it

You know the drill, preheat the oven before you do all the other shit so once the mixture is made there's no fannying about, pacing around waiting for the bastard thing to heat up. Whack it on at 180 degrees, ideally on fanbake setting if you have it.

Mix the first six ingredients on the list, that's all the wet shit, in a one bowl so it's all well combined, then do the same with all the dry stuff in another bowl. Now you have two bowls, one full of a probably quite unappealing looking sloppy mixture and one full of dust. Perfect. Combine the two and mix well until you have something that looks a lot like muffin batter and fuck me, that's exactly what you want.If you want add any optional extras chuck like dried fruit or walnuts go crazy and throw that  fairy dust in now then you're good to go.

If you're using muffin tins make sure they're greased and lined so the buggers don't stick, losing half your muff to the pan is a real pisser. I prefer the silicon thingies myself because I'm a lazy fucker and they're easy and require none of that palaver.

Fill your cases up, add a walnut to the top if you want to make them look proper flash then chuck them in the oven and set the timer.

I made a mixture of mini muffs for my mini person and full sized for the big people. As it turns out the child wanted the big ones of course because kids are such contrary little buggers but I give up on those fights, as a parent I've learned to pick my battles.

Anyhoo, the small ones baked in about 15 minutes and the large ones were done in 20. It will depend on the efficiency (or ferocity) of your oven so check after 15 minutes and give them a few extra minutes if required from there. They should be firm but springy and golden brown. If they're hard and black, they're probably fucked, but that's just my layperson's guide to baking.

Makes 12 large muffins.